Entry 1 - Turbulence


 I thought last year was tough, but I should have been expecting such a storm coming from the decade of Aquarius before it hit me in the face with it. It caused all the old stuff which I thought I dealt with to come back, the self sabotage along with it, something which I thought I had surpassed.

 Self-love was new to me, at least after my tweens it was...to Love ones self is to create the capability to love others, to help others [which was my intent] but the doubt led me to question [as I was feeling pretty apathetic lately] whether it was all for nought but perhaps compassion is different from holding emotional attachment and feeling constantly?




“why let others tell us who we are? Who we are supposed to be? Why bother to act like someone who we aren’t? Just to feel good? So to feel no shame? Hoping if by trying we will eventually see light and won’t drown and fade?”

I have been faced with another shadow aspect of mine , I accept that I hold negative traits [ as everyone does] but this time it really dragged me under the waves, leading me to drown in shame [ which is a dangerous place to go]. it felt lonely down there.

                                                    “If you look for perfection, you'll never be content.” 

I am sure i'm not the only one, though sometimes it feels like i am , but I know that's the ego speaking, hoping I believe it to be true so I can push the knife deeper, hurt more, feel more, pity myself more,so I can turn to the ego and fall more. I don’t want that though, it’s easy to succumb to it but I want to be free of it once and for all even if it means facing myself at my worst, accepting it, and allowing it to dissolve “me”. 
"I have so much I want to do, I want to do good, to be "good", to be like others who create a better world. Yet they only stay as ideas, never being accomplished, never acted upon, just intentions, crippled by fear? Powerlessness? I don’t know. Stuck on the path, thought I had moved ahead.Thought I was actually getting somewhere only to recognise I have been to these parts of the woods before, realised I have been going in circles, lost, no way out, the shadows all look the same, started speaking to me yet what help were they?


These whispering things, these illusionary things, wish there was a way out, "I want to go home" - I say, but what is home? Can’t remember so i just lay here at the crossroads; wishing, hoping, praying to dissolve, for it to end, to become void again."
But I know this feeling will end
“Happy times  will pass, but so do sad times as well”

So when the sun peeks through the dark woods, to show me the trail I never saw before due to my own despair, I will get back up again, walking again knowing I got up different, knowing it to be of highest good and I will see you there, joining you with a smile in my heart, one day.

"I Can't expect myself to change in one day, but one day is a good start" - Ghibli


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